When I was a child I used to believe myself to be a bad person; I never really questioned why. I never intentionally sought out bad things to do, but if I did find myself in a situation with my morals in question, then ‘bad person’ disposition would justify my actions like a get out of jail free card. As I got older I still continued to label myself bad, but it did begin to trouble me. I didn’t want to be a bad person, but why was I a bad person?
The more I questioned it the more I began to realise that I might not in fact be a bad person. In fact, the more and more I analyzed it, I eventually came to realise that my beliefs were simply a countering to my undesired past. I guess I felt so strongly hard done by that I justified the bad things that happened to me by convincing myself I deserved it.
But is this not exactly what a bad person would do? To squash misfitted bits of evidences together to falsify a justification for his or her actions?
The story was never intended to be about madness but by madness, the writing style and timing in particular were crafted to capture the corrupt logic of madness. This was never intended to entertain the mainstream audience, I was attempting a more… artistic approach.
There are two main concepts within this story in which the character uses to justify himself. Time exists only as a single frame, everything before the current frame is no more real than that of a dream.
The other concept is that you, or be it, your brain, and with it all your thoughts and actions, are simply webs of algorithms collecting data from the memories and experience given to you. Thus, all actions are potentially predictable responses and in a sense, predetermined.
Without a past there is no guilt, and without a choice there is no blame.
The Conscience of Consciousness follows the thoughts of a mind as it dissolves into a clustered clarity. I’ve tried to capture the process of madness to a clear mind. The protagonist is not innately bad, but through unfortunate events he became bad. For however long he has been blocking out his undesired actions, essentially living two lives. Bad him becoming Derik, whilst good him starts to fixate his thoughts on time. His obsessive nature persists to cloud his thoughts and as a result he is distracted by the loss of time in which he is Derik. Trouble is, in the traumatic event of Robin's death, his two-life world crumbles as every blocked out thought in his head returns to him. Due to his obsession with time, he still persists to value his innocence, and believes to be travelling time. It soon becomes apparent that his travel of time is in fact returning memories. And just as his realisation comes to pass that he is Derik, his mind had already conceived a justification for his actions.
The project has taken me two years and I still continue to create artwork based on the character.